Well yesterday my little boy would have been 9 months old, wow! He'd be crawling all over the house and saying "mommy" and "daddy" by now, probably pulling on Molly and Sammy's (our 2 basset hound dogs) ears. He'd be so much fun! Its so hard to believe he's gone. I'm so tired today, but every time i close my eyes i keep remembering the 1st time he looked at me, he opened his eyes and just kept blinking, then when i got closer, he just stared right at me, he knew who i was and it was an amazing feeling! i keep reliving that day like it was yesterday. I keep imagining if his hair would still be so blond or if it darkened up, my mom swore it was turning red, but it was so white blond, it did get a little darker, but not red! He had his daddy's dimple on his chin and yeah, he had my nose. He was just so beautiful, so perfect, he was my son. It doesn't get any easier with time, sometimes i feel like it just gets worse. There are so many what ifs, if things just could have been different. i will never know why God took him from me or what i ever did to deserve this, but i hope one day i can get some answers.
No one could ever know what this is like, every situation is so different and i just know he wasn't meant to die, he overcame so much, he fought so hard. He was my dream and i feel like he was just ripped away from me, its such an awful feeling. Bill just doesn't understand sometimes how hard it is on me and i don't think he ever will. I know he lost his son, but i feel like i lost everything, its hard to explain, but it just is. I don't know... i just don't know :(
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